i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
