It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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