You really coming over, don't trick.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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