Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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