You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
