Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
