haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Screwed.edu
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize