I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
