So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
