I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
