I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
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