Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Holy shit dude........stairs
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
