Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
