I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
