I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
