I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
