Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
