Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
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