i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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