Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
