i don't plan on having that self control this summer
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
zippers are such a cool invention
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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