Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
