Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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