Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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