im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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