i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
ttyl tear gas
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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