Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
please come you make the beer taste better
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
