Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
