i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
