a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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