My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
