I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
