My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
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