I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
