Nicole vs. Life
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize