I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
