We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
