i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
