He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize