Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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