I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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