walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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