you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
