I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize