i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
