The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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