and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
