I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
