yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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