At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
