There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
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