I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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