Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
