Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
It's not a walk of shame if you run
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
