I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
