So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
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