Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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