I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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